As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Shortly after my most "recent" post, I had my wisdom teeth forcibly removed  from my skull, and in return the dentist supplied me with some drugs (not as fun as you'd think). I was somewhat reticent to try to write anything while under their influence, and given how I acted on Friday night (my first post-surgery party), my reticence was most certainly warranted.* If you're going to make a complete fool of yourself, better to do it among 20 of your closest friends and relatives, 50 slightly less close acquaintances, and a couple hundred strangers rather than do it anonymously on the open internet. I mean ... right?

* If you saw me this weekend, I apologize for that.

But fortunately for everyone involved, all this time away from the keyboard has left my thumbs itching to start slammin' spacebars again, so I'm back at the keyboard. And what better way to do it than by starting with my favorite ongoing series, Useless Offday Thoughts? And hopefully it'll make us all feel a little better about the fact that the jerks at MLB scheduled an offday for the Twins, meaning we won't get to escape from our soul-crushing lives for a little while.

Let's start with a little Morneau-ing:

Twins first baseman Justin Morneau was named American League Player of the Week today, after batting .480 (12-for-25) with four home runs, and 26 total bases in six games last week. It is Morneau’s second time winning the award, with the other coming July 9, 2007. For winning the award, Morneau wins an engraved Swiss Tourneau timepiece.

Congratulations to Morneau, I guess, but I'm now pretty worried. The last time I checked, he only has two wrists, meaning he's now maxed out his need for expensive watches. He'll probably stop trying to kick ass now.

But what if we went Mauer-ing? I mean, he hasn't really done anything good to speak of on the baseball field lately, so we have to go a little deeper into his tackle-box of skills:

Joe Mauer is from Minnesota. He is white. He plays Major League Baseball. He is considered something of a pretty boy. None of these four things outlaws him from practicing his secret hobby. All of them combined into one 6-foot-5, sideburn-wearing, .400-flirting catcher, however, makes for the unlikeliest rapper in the history of rap. “We know he loves it,” Minnesota Twins closer Joe Nathan says. “He does it in a studio in his house,” Twins outfielder Michael Cuddyer says. “I’ve heard stories,” outfielder Denard Span says. “I’ve heard he buries himself in the studio. But never heard the finished product with my own ears. Looking at him right now, I’m guessing it’s a cross between Vanilla Ice and Cypress Hill.”

That's awesome. But Calcaterra's take is somewhat unbelievable:

This strikes me as one of those deals. Mauer probably had one too many Sheep Head Ales, beatbox into a tape recorder, and the rest is somewhat inaccurate history.

I mean ... unless someone spiked the milk, I'm guessing Mauer didn't have a few too many. But maybe his walkup music next year could be a duet.

Now look, I don't know how many of you have heard about the antics surrounding the Royals lately,* but there's some seriously interesting stuff happening.

* Aside from the sucking, that is.

First, quasi-famous Royals fan Rany Jazayerli blogged about the Royals' training staff, and that the one and only person* who happened to have not been fired over the course of all the many, many years of unadulterated suck the Royals franchise has suffered through is their head trainer.

* It turned out there were actually two guys, but both of them were on the medical staff.

Jazayerli wrote that this trainer is terrible, and that because of all the egregious mishandling of injuries over the years,* the dude should get fired.

* And boy, has it come to a head this year. Read the initial rant linked above to get the whole rundown, but if you want just a taste, check this out: Soria injured himself while warming up during a Greinke shutout, they kept him out of a few games where he was needed while claiming he was totally fine, then they brought him in and afterwards admitted that he was hurt, then they kept him out for a bit (not on the DL), and then they let him pitch 2 days in a row, then kept him out for almost a week and when he pitched again he sucked and finally went on the DL. Then they did the same thing with Mike Aviles, their up-and-coming shortstop of the near future, and now he's having season-ending surgery. Then they did it again, but even worse this time, with Coco Crisp, and now he's having season-ending surgery. Then, they did it again with Gil Meche, who they had pitching through a back injury for a while and then, after claiming he was on a strict pitch count, they had him struggle through like 120 pitches (against the Twins, no less). These are all things, he said, that are monumentally dumb, and this trainer, Swartz, probably shouldn't be the trainer any more.

Then, apparently the Royals got ahold of that blog post, and it irked them. If you were wondering how much it irked them ... well, you might think they reconsidered this Swartz fellow. If you thought that, you don't know much about how a bad organization operates. They banned Rany Jazayerli.

They banned him from the stadium (for some reason ... despite the fact that he lives in Chicago and rarely makes it to Kauffman Stadium). They banned all their team employees from his radio show. They said any other radio show that had him on as a guest would be similarly banned. They said any radio station that continued to carry his radio show would also be similarly banned.

Jazayerli was obviously pretty pissed about that, and ... fellow bloggers and commenters everywhere agreed with him. After a few days of the internet echo-sphere resounding and loudening -- as it is wont to do -- the Royals backtracked and lifted the bans and the threats (although Jazayerli still doesn't get access to Royals employees).

Congratulations to Jazayerli for getting un-banned, but the banning itself remains far more interesting to me. It made me wonder what it'd be like if I were banned by the Twins. I mean, I've known very few people to be able to get by the title of the blog, and everyone is pretty convinced we're incendiary douchebags long before they open a browser to discover that despite being pretty opaque and longwinded,* we don't actually want Gardy fired.

* Seriously, we're already more than 1100 words in ... how many are still reading?

So ... given the polarizing title, I figure all they have to do is hear about it and discover "the internet" on a day when we post something a little bit insulting about Gardy or someone else with the team. It happens from time to time. I'm pretty sure they don't know what the internet is yet, so for now I'm safe. But someone could bring a laptop in there at any time, and if Gardy happens to walk by when someone happens to be enjoying some bloggingest-blog craziness, I can see him getting a little bit pissed about it. Enough to complain to his higher-ups? Maybe.

I mean, Jazayerli is a Chicago-based blogger who is a foolishly optimistic fan of a non-Chicago AL Central team. If there is a better way to describe me, I don't want to hear it (mainly because I'm sure it'd be pretty insulting ... actually that could be entertaining, so maybe I do want to hear it). But at the end of the day, two things remain true: Gardy will never read a blog, and the Twins aren't close to as pathetic an organization as the Royals. So I probably don't have to worry about getting banned.

And we'll finish today's useless thoughts with a little medical news of the Twins' own ... apparently the Twins have decided to downplay Slowey's wrist injury in exactly the same way that the Royals have downplayed all the injuries to their players this year:

Kevin Slowey’s right wrist injury is no more serious than the Twins originally diagnosed, General Manager Bill Smith said today, relaying the update after Slowey visited a Baltimore specialist.

Normally, I'd say that's great news. But I just spent a bunch of time writing about how this doesn't work out ... and at the moment this is the single last thing I wanted to hear. Well, hopefully they're right and Slowey will return to being one of our top starters when he's eligible to return from the DL.

And now it's back to wishing the Twins were playing today. I really hate offdays.

blog comments powered by Disqus


06 July 2009